Call it what you will...Exasperation. Exhaustion. Overwhelmed. Burned out. In need of solitary time. I am the Mother Abbess to Libby's Maria ala Sound of Music. (You know..."How do you solve a problem like Maria? How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?") Quite literally, parenting a toddler has done me in...at least temporarily.
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| Last week's trip to the beach. |
1.) Like I said before, I love Libby more than I could have ever imagined. She is without a doubt the light of my life and, I'm convinced, my reason for being here on this Earth.
2.) Being a single parent, while not originally in my grand life plan, was ultimately my decision and I have no one to blame but myself for the fact that I am doing this all alone.
But that being said, this whole change from toddler to preschooler and all the stress and delight and time demands and dedication that comes with parenthood has really been wearing me down these past few weeks. With these long summer days, it doesn't even take until the end of the day before Libby has me at the end of my rope. I feel like right now, being both mom and dad, just sucks everything out of me.
I'm not trying to blame Libby by any means. Please don't think that. It is a multi-factorial issue...work has been crazy all summer, I've loaded myself down with WAY too many projects, and this crazy Minnesota weather has been messing with my mind. Amongst other things. Maybe it's just that the largest percentage of my time is spent focused on Libby, so I subconsciously feel like she is the innocent instigator of my recent mama crisis.
Libby is and has always been a delightfully wonderful little girl. And while she has always been pretty independent, as she is transforming from toddler to preschooler, I swear she is taking independence to a whole new level. There are some days where I swear if I hear her say "I do'd it" one more time, I may combust. Yes, there is a certain amount of pride that comes with your child growing and developing and becoming self-sufficient, but when it's 3:30 in the afternoon and all you want to do is quick run to the grocery store to pick up something for dinner and you've spent the last 15 minutes searching for your car keys and trying to wrestle your child back into her clothes so you can leave, "I do'd it" is not something I've had the patience to hear when it's time to get shoes on.
It probably doesn't help that I can't figure out when she wants to be independent and when she doesn't. Yes, she wants to push the cart all nilly-willy around Target without any help, but she doesn't want to walk into the house by herself from the garage...she wants to be carried. No, she can't color in her coloring books without me right there coloring too, but she is perfectly capable of absconding with a pair of stolen scissors and adding fringe to my carefully cut paper project that was sitting on my desk upstairs when I was temporarily looking the other way. (Yes, I know I shouldn't have left the scissors in reach...not that I thought she could reach them...and yes, I know I should have put away the project before I went to bed so she couldn't ruin it...even though she knows she can't be in my craft area without me...but by the time I fall into bed I am too tired to worry about cleaning. I am in a never-ending vicious cycle of excuses.) And it is frustrating darn it!
She is busy pushing my envelope again and again and again and I feel like I don't have anything left in me to push back anymore. To discipline her consistently. To react in a manner that doesn't involve resorting to her toddler methods of hitting and tantrum throwing. I know this is what she is supposed to be doing, testing the boundaries and learning through those experiences, but by golly it wears on a mama.
It is especially wearing when trying to keep up with her leaves me with no time to myself. I am one of those people who likes to get a little introverted sometimes, who wants to curl up all alone and enjoy the company of me, myself, and I. (Yep, all three of those personalities.) And right now she is in need of near constant supervision and companionship. Not that I mind being playmate #1 most of the time...I just get a little irritated when I have to be playmate #1 ALL the time. And try to get an almost 3-year old to understand that I just need a few minutes to do mama things like clean or talk on the phone or use the computer or throw a load of laundry in the machine or go to the bathroom. No comprende.
My mother has assured me this is a stage and it will pass. And I know that. Lately it's just that there have been more days where I've wished we could fast-forward life a little. To get to a point where we don't have a temper tantrum because we have to put on our pajamas. (Funny story: Libby got a "stern talking to" from Grammy after this incident where she was told "Only babies throw temper tantrums when they have to do something they don't like and you're not a baby, you're a big girl. You're almost three." To which my darling daughter responded "But I not three yet!") To get to a point where we don't spit at a person who is disciplining us. To get to a point where we can play puppy but understand that the puppy does not lick mama. It's gross. Even though I know when we get to that point, I'm going to wish we could go back in time so I can spend more time with my little big-girl. (Parenthood is so contradictory!)
I think the true low point was reached last Sunday. I think Libby knew it too, knew that mama just didn't have the patience or energy and so she asked for my phone and called her Grammy to ask if she could go over there to play. And my mother, savior that she is, didn't ask any questions or complain that she'd babysat her four nights the week before...she invited her over and watched her all afternoon so I could have a much needed break. (It was wonderful...I finished a living room project AND went shoe shopping...by myself!) I muddled my way through the week, trying not to get too irritated with the lack of listening and the sassy attitude of my sweet little Libby...and trying desperately not to let my feelings of parenting inadequacy bring me down any further. I even had a guilt free afternoon and evening to myself (I can't help but feel bad when I ask my parents, who already watch Libby a TON in addition to working full-time, to watch her on night's I don't work) on Thursday, as Libby and Grammy took a girls vacation to Winnipeg. I went an saw a movie in the theater for the first time in over three years. It was 3-D and it was AWESOME! I was reveling in my own independence, having earned a temporary break from mama-hood with no set plans!
I will not deny that I loved every minute of my free time before I had to report back to work for the weekend. It was good for my soul. So was realizing that this is just a part of parenting and it happens everybody to some extent. Thanks Emily M. for having letting me vent over an isolette. And thanks to you for letting me vent here. My soul needed that too.
I couldn't help but chuckle on my drive home from the theater when they started playing 'Tonight, Tonight' by Hot Chelle Rae and I realized the song wasn't as good without Libby singing along from the backseat. Here the girl hadn't even been away from me 8 hours and I was missing her. I can't believe how much I love my little Bitsy.
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| Sleeping with her new Star Wars Mickey Mouse from Uncle Ben's Europe trip. |
love always, Kendra
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